Not Your Warrior
by LiveFastDieBeautiful21
Summary: Hawke is forced to watch as Anders does the unthinkable. Worse, she's forced to decide his fate. Does she have the strength to stand up to the man she loves?


**A/N:**So, major Act 3 spoilers here.

This is my version of what happens towards the end of the Act. Inspired by the Evans Blue song, "Warrior."

* * *

The explosion was deafening.

Hawke's body pitched forward, knocking her off balance and sending her staff flying out of her hands. As she landed, she clutched the shaking ground like a lifeline, waiting for the world to settle around her.

But it never did.

As debris from the cratered Chantry cascaded around them, the groan of the explosion was replaced by angry voices. Screams, cries, whispers of anguish…

Hawke remained on the ground, pushing herself up onto her forearms. She gasped for breath, trying to regain some of her composure. For a moment, she heard only her ragged breaths, pushing out the sudden battle cries and the thick slice of a sword finding its target.

"Anders." She whispered his name, part of her mind wanting him to hear her – to hear her pain, her disbelief, and the thin trust slipping from her grasp. "Anders."

Meredith called out orders, but Hawke remained on the ground, her eyes plastered to the dirt.

"Anders."

Hawke felt tears—somewhere. They didn't fall, but she knew they were there. She could taste them, feel them in her throat. She wanted to cry out and yell, to scream until her voice went hoarse. But instead, her hands curled into little fists and she whispered weakly, "Maker, why?"

"Hawke."

She looked up slowly, her eyes landing on Aveline. The Guard-Captain offered a hand and pulled her up. "Hawke," she repeated, "are you alright?"

Nodding, she assured Aveline, "I'm fine. Just a bit shaken." Hawke did her best to smooth her expression, but her voice wavered and her smile faltered. Slowly, her eyes wandered over to Anders. The mage sat on a crate, his shoulders hunched forward and his head in his hands. Hawke squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, then slowly went over to him and placed a gentle hand on his arm. "Anders."

"Don't bother." His voice was empty.

Jerking her hand away as if he'd struck her, Hawke sputtered, "Anders, I—" She hesitated, not sure what to say.

"There's nothing you can say that I haven't already told myself," he insisted. Raising his head, he added slowly, "And I don't deserve your kindness." As Hawke searched for words, Anders continued, "I'm prepared to take responsibility for my actions. If I have to pay for this with my life, so be it."

Hawke covered her mouth with her hands, shocked at his suggestion. "No," she whispered, eyes wide. _Something has to be done,_ she realized with a tremor. _He can't stay. I can't fight for him anymore_. "Anders," Hawke began, kneeling in front of him, "I want you to listen to every word I say." Gently, she raised a trembling hand and placed it on his cheek, waiting until he looked at her. "I can't be your warrior anymore, Anders." Her voice broke and she tore her eyes away.

"I know, Hawke. I'm not asking you to help me anymore."

"I can't," she repeated. "I've been here for you all these years, helping you save as many mages as we could." She lifted her eyes back to his, a shaky breath escaping her lips. "But I'm just one mage, Anders. Just one woman. I can only do so much before it kills me. And this…" Biting her lip, Hawke choked out, "I can't do this. I won't use freedom to justify murder."

Anders placed his hand in hers, staring at their intertwined fingers for a moment. "I understand."

"Leave, Anders," Hawke whispered. "Before it's too late. You can't stay here. I won't let you." She pulled her hands away from the mage, standing. She didn't want Anders to leave her side, but he'd left her with no choice.

"Goodbye, Hawke." With one last look over his shoulder, Anders was gone.

Hawke stood there, watching him leave and biting her lip until it bled just to keep from crying. "Goodbye," she whispered, but it was too late; he had disappeared past the fires and debris. "I wish I could be your warrior, love, but—" Sinking to her knees, Hawke wiped at her eyes with the sleeves of her robe. "I just can't fight for you anymore."

She turned to the rest of her friends, who had all given her space, but all her eyes would focus on was the wreckage. Once again, her beloved city had been turned into a battlefield, and it was up to her to save it. With a shaky, uncertain smile, Hawke stood, letting a timid hope rise within her.

Even without Anders, she could still be somebody's warrior.


End file.
